We fall in love and decide that this is the one! This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It’s wonderful, magical and a truly wonderful time in life. As we proceed in the relationship the magic continues as we get to know each other better and share more of ourselves with the other. We find that we have much in common and over time finish each other’s sentences….know each other’s thoughts. There is often a feeling of merging with the other….we are one.
As time passes the pressures of everyday life begin to impinge on the relationship and how we cope with those demands tests us as individuals and as a couple. Sometimes the demands are externally imposed sometimes they come with the choices we make. We decide to move, change jobs, marry or have children. How we weather these challenges comes to define us as people. We can deepen, grow or in some cases become bitter.
After many years of working with couples as a psychotherapist my frame of reference for working with couples is to view the couple as two individuals who have agreed to work together to create a relationship. That relationship is apart from the two individuals and a part of the two individuals. Maintaining good boundaries in an intimate relationship facilitates a strong relationship. Good boundaries improve communication and a sense of being known and cared for by the other person.
Often times that initial sense of oneness can deter the establishment and maintenance of solid boundaries and lead to hurtful communication. This hurtful communication is, for the most part, not intentional but a result of the confusion that develops from poor boundaries.
In subsequent posts we will explore how to develop and maintain good boundaries and productive communication in order to strengthen caring and playful intimacy.
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